I have been sick. Sinus infection, strep throat, fever, lethargy, fatigue, muscle aches and spasms, sweating, freezing = dying. So has my partner. We are currently on our 2nd round of antibiotics. Usually colds & flu’s don’t really trigger my health anxiety.
I am ok with a flu or a cold or a bug. It’s the other type of chronic more fatal, insidious type illnesses that scare the shit out of me. A flu or a cold or a sinus infection I can take one for the team.
It usually involves a few days lazing in bed watching Netflix without guilt. Eating cookies to cheer my immune system up. It’s not awesome fun but it is bearable.
But I am on week 3.5 of feeling like I am dying. Climbing a flight of stairs feels like a mountain. And cooking a meal seems hard like I imagine university physics to be difficult. It wasnt until after suffering a murderous mixed migraine that made my whole neck/shoulder spasm and felt like i had 10 tumors in my head that were exploding did i start to worry a little.
So I did the right thing – took myself back to the Dr’s to be handed more antibiotics, some painkillers and the lousy type of muscle relaxants that aren’t vallium. I did ask for vallium but she laughed at me. I think I may need to find a more generous GP.
Here comes the confession part. I am secretly glad when my boyfriend is sick also.
I know I am going to super hell & I am a horrible person. But it soothes my hypochondria to know when I feel sick and he has the same symptoms beside me. It’s evidence that is of the bug/virus/run of the mill type illness.
It’s comforting because I know that cancer is not contagious. Or the odds of us both getting MS/diabetes/kidney failure /heart attack or the same life threatening disease at the exact same time is quite rare. So I am secretly happy when he is sick too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy more than sunshine. That’s why I moved to Austria.
I don’t want him to be sick as much as I don’t want to be sick. But it does makes me feel less anxious if he is sick at the same time too. I can ask him “Does it feel hard on your muscles to type and take an instagram?” And feel reassured when he says it does too. Not the instagram part. He never does that. I guess misery does like company.
Here comes the narcissist part. My hypochondria is solely focused on me. I don’t worry about my loved ones dying. It’s all-consuming on myself. Which I guess makes me an even worse person. My partner can be having a seizure in front of me and I will tell him he is fine and take an aspirin.
But if I have even the slightest rash say the size of a pin head i freak out and think i have a pin sized rash symptom of something horrible and my death is imminent.
Hey – at least I am not projecting. I don’t have a child yet but it’s looking good I wont Munchausen by proxy them. Which is a positive. So yeah my names Carmel and I am a hypochondriac / narcissist.
ps- I hope my boyfriend doesn’t read this.
pps- The only downside of my partner being sick at the same time as me is that I don’t have anyone to dote on me. To bring me things while i lay in bed and make sympathetic noises and facial expressions at me.